Men think we care about money and women are worried about their lives.
Just a little screed about the dudes who interrupt my peace
I saw this Instagram post about how public space has become “earbud space.” Which, yeah, and honestly it kind of sucks but I think it needs to be said for those of us of the femme persuasion that having headphones on is a line of defense against unwanted interactions with men serving as sidewalk pests.
Just a few weeks ago, I didn’t have my headphones on and was reveling at how A PART OF THE WORLD I felt hearing the birdsong and sounds of the street and the city and it’s people and — “IS ALL THAT YOURS?” Some rando shattered my peace to ask me an asinine question about my hair.
But don’t think that having your headphones in is foolproof. Because these fools are in fact quite skilled in the art of ruining your damn day. This morning, I was chuckling along with
and her guest on this week’s episode of The Stacks, when some man with a straight-cut bang gelled to his forehead repeatedly raised his voice over my headphones to ask me if I was married.I don’t know why these men think the most urgent question in their lives is the totally irrelevant status of my general availability — because let’s be clear, I’m completely and entirely unavailable to them — and not “Why have I chosen to look like this and how can I do better?”
And I’m not saying men, or anyone else, don’t have the right to indulge in whatever aesthetic styling they’re most called to — lord knows, I had second thoughts about my light gray leggings as I dawdled past my reflection in shop window after shop window — but if you’re going to deebo your way into someone’s life through the sheer might of your obnoxious lack of social skills, you are electively opening yourself up to their assessment and you got to be aware that your crispy bangs — and beard so dry I’m not sure whether to refer you to a fire Marshal or barber — are eye level and gonna be the foundation of my uninvited first impression of you.
If a man refuses to take the hint that I am clearly not interested in engaging with anyone I pass — I have my headphones in! I’m in an unflattering outfit! Girlie did not dress to be perceived! — and forces me to pull out my AirPod, I say “WHAT?!” with enough force and volume to make them second guess initiating this interaction.
I make sure to use that tone, the one that takes them back to their childhood and there mom catching them in a lie or talking smart and snaps, “WHAT?!” at them or the one their ex used when they were fucking up and she wanted to give him a second chance to get it right, “WHAT?!” That one. With the face to match.
Do they really want to invite more of that kind of energy into their life? And then, I don’t even bother to sound believable when I answer, “Yeah” about being married accompanied by a wave of my ring-less hand. This is enough to get most of them to fall to the way side. But dense men do exist and I know because I’ve encountered many in my — what is an apparently entirely absurd and impossible — expectation to move about time and space freely.
Now, this is not advice because engaging with these men can get you killed but — fun fact! — so can ignoring them! So dealer’s choice (and uh the Grim Reaper is the dealer).
Just last month, I had to maneuver around a man on the sidewalk because he was ripping a piece of paper up into confetti and I wasn’t down for that level of sidewalk whimsy. I had my headphones in, but still, as I passed him he commented on my appearance or something. Feeling secure in the visibility of my headphones and hopeful in his level of context clues that he would see them and assume I couldn’t hear him, I kept my body language in check and move passed him as if he hadn’t penetrated the sound barrier I’d tossed up to protect myself from the likes of him.
I was wrong.
He proceeded to get louder. And followed me for half a block until I crossed the street onto Penn’s campus.
“OH YOU CAN’T HEAR ME?”
“YOUCAN’THEARME?!?”
“I BET IF I HAD A HUNDRED DOLLARS, YOU COULD HEAR ME.”
Let’s pause here.
This man was actually dressed decent. Fairly attractive. If I’d encountered him under different circumstances, I’d likely have been open to a convo with him. But aside from the DIY confetti, his energy was off. I could tell by his tone when he paid me a “compliment” that he was going to be aggressive whether I engaged or not. If I engaged he would have pestered me for my number and followed alongside me for much longer than I’d be comfortable with, essentially holding me hostage by activating my training to be polite. I knew ignoring him might set him off too, but it also seemed like the path toward a shorter engagement (and less chance for me to lose it and share my real feels about his behavior).
All this to say, that before he began broadcasting his finances on the street, there was nothing about this man that indicated he didn’t have a $100 to his name. There are so many men who delude themselves into thinking their economic circumstances are their greatest barrier to companionship.
It’s not your checking account, it’s your character.
I’m one of them modern working women who can afford to date whomever I want. I’m not gonna lie like their aren’t benefits to dating men of means but I’ve had some of the most fun times of my life with men who were crashing with friends or sleeping on couches or were skateboarding as a primary mode of transportation (Now, the reality that a lot of those men eventually grow to resent a woman who makes more money than them and get mean, well… That’s not what we’re focusing on right now!).
I’ve had men approach me respectfully in public and were respectful in the face of rejection and I showed them the same respect they showed me and there’s even been men who I actually went on to date. It’s possible.
The issue with that man on the sidewalk, is that anyone who would engage with a total stranger in that manner, is not someone I want to be with regardless of their money situation. You out here harassing people and not only am I victim of said harassment, but let’s say you were gonna be my man someday and now I gotta think about how someone affiliated with me is out here acting like they ain’t got no sense in one of the most public ways possible? Absolutely not.
And it’s not just him. A comedian posted to Instagram about her Uber driver hitting on her. I was in the comments making a crack about how that’s not the experience I’m paying for and some dude barged into women’s business to inform when he drove Uber he was making six figures, so I should give my driver a chance next time.
It’s alarming that men equate making more money with the license to treat women poorly. Again, this pervasive idea that women associate all scrub behavior with being broke, when really we are quite knowledgeable in the fact that it’s not class exclusive. How much my Uber drive makes does not even factor into the equation.
For those mystified, here are some of the things women think about when their Uber drive hits on them:
He has my name
We’re headed to my home
It’s late
It’s dark out
I’m trapped in a moving vehicle with this man
This is a confined space
It’s just us
This is very triggering for the time I took an Uber Pool and the drive said something about spanking me right before the other people got in and when they got out instead of taking me to my destination, he pulled over on a side street to make a phone call and roll a joint and blamed myself for not getting out with the other people but also it was late and dark and I was in an unknown part of an unfamiliar city or that time at 3A an Uber picked me up from the airport and proceeded to be inappropriate so I changed my address to my sister’s house or that time an Uber drive berated me because he likes to “debate” and then said he wanted to take me out or the time or the time or the time or the time or the time…
Men think we care about money and women are worried about their lives.
I actually had an entirely different post I sat down to write — oops! Don’t worry, I put it in the drafts and you’ll get it some other time.